When is Christmas…, Really

When exactly is Christmas and how long does it last.  According to some it starts on the day after Thanksgiving and proceeds through Boxing Day.  Of course others believed Christmas marks the beginning of Christmastide, which lasts twelve days and ends with the visit of the Magi.  Either way, crass commercialism or liturgical, in order to appreciate the holiday it helps to be within the three dimensional framework of the here and now.  It matters not if the birth of Christ in our world occurred on September 15 during Sukkot, the Feast of Tabernacles which is a few days after Yom Kippur, or the date reported by others as April 17 to put him into the astrological Aries sign, hence the Lamb of God.  Heck for all we really know he was conceived during a local Beltane Fire Festival which would put his real birthday very close to mine (very early in February).   What matters is we know and associate the concept with something important.

For me, on December 25 2007 concepts were foreign.  Understanding ‘Why was I here’ had given way to ‘how much longer’ and neither really registered enough as I accepted, and waited.  The special holiday approached, I was told of this, and yet I could not leave the hospital.  How can one give of themselves to those they love when the highlight of their day is walking to the physical therapy unit?  Anyone want to walk on a tread mill.  It doesn’t get you where you want to go.

The day materialized, I saw this on T.V.  And my wife and children came.  My sister came too, from Texas.  I remember my sister had come, but needed to be reminded before I wrote this that others had come too, my sister in law and her husband drove up from Philadelphia, and so I guess my gift that year was to let everyone spend Christmas together, in a resort, of sorts.   We got to eat dinner (they had brought carry out) in the common room at the end of the hall. 

Before this day others besides my wife and kids had come too but these visits were at the trauma center and of this time I still have no recollection.  My brother had driven up from Virginia four or five days after the accident and my nephew had flown in from Denver and ridden up with his father.  My best friend when I was young came up from Virginia (I grew up there) too and brought one of his sisters with him.  I thank everyone who came up during these very dark days and hope I was able to entertain.  

I also hear of the friends and neighbors who did so much for my wife and family and it makes me cry.  Cry in thanks and cry because I want so much to be able to repay, in some way, in any way, and yet I feel so frustrated.  I don’t know how.  My in-laws had raced over from Pennsylvania to watch our children as my wife rushed to the hospital.  A family friend stopped in the hospital on his way home on the first night and gave my wife the support she needed.  Later, I was told, he and his family brought the tree that was used for Christmas that year to our house.  My wife’s sister drove up too, to be with her and support her.  The snow came that year, and it was the neighbors who cleared it from our drive.  The list goes on, and all I could do was sit in the hospital and wonder ‘how much longer’.

Those who visited on Christmas day left and I went to bed.  Early evening was my sleeping time and, as had become habit once they let me out of the cage, I would awake around midnight and watch television.  Only on this night of nights I couldn’t just sit and watch, something was missing, something I had to find.  I got out of bed and walked in the hallway searching.  I don’t remember how long I spent walking up and down the corridor but eventually an attendant helped me to the little nook in the hall where reading material was spread out and then told me to wait.  I sat in a chair and while waiting I pulled the magazines to me.  I looked as a studious scientist might as I delved deep into the problems set forth in the articles I read, and then the attendant returned bearing gifts. 

We sat together and ate ice cream at three o’clock in the morning.  Giving a gift to someone you love on Christmas is wonderful.  Giving a gift to someone in need is divine.  Her gift gave me a very warm feeling.  I do wish I remembered the attendant’s name. 

Anniversaries and Arbitration

I am jumping forward again.  When I first started this blog I hoped to move through my time in two hospitals and rehabilitation in some semblance of chronologic order.  But, as with the last posting, this is not happening.  Today again I wish to share events that were most recent.

I had my anniversary on December 11.  It has been three years.  I will always tell everyone that I am happy to be here, but then one can pretty much figure that out, after all, if I was not here I wouldn’t be here.  Three years since the truck ran me over and I was airlifted to the trauma center.  I like to spend this anniversary low key.  My wife and I took the dog for a long walk along the tow path near Frenchtown NJ.  We held hands and strolled along with the dog leading the way.  We visited the bookbinder there to get some estimates on some in need of repair and then we stopped in at the Book Garden, my last book signing was there way back in July.  Then it was home and dinner and holding hands some more as we watched television.  My kind of evening.

Of course we could have gone out for dinner and celebrated, but that falls way outside our budget.  We couldn’t bring ourselves to do that actually, Reality had hit home. 

A few days earlier on December 9 we had sat in on our arbitration hearing.  From day one we had an idea of what the outcome would be, and since outcomes are multi layered, only one layer really counted.  It wasn’t; will they pay?  It was; can they pay?

The lawyer heard from us, and the defendant stayed quiet.  This part of our situation was obvious, the truck ran the red light and I was the one in the hospital.  When the decision was read one hundred percent of the fault was on the truck driver and the company he worked for.  Then the numbers rolled in and included damages, future loss, lost wages, wife’s efforts and lost wages, the list went on and the total to be awarded to our family would have been in excess of 3.5 million dollars.  This was in fact more than we anticipated.  On paper arbitration looks so nice. 

In practice the legal system doesn’t work.  The trucking company did not insure their truck.  Therefore there was no money to be paid by the insurance company.  The driver was very young and had no possessions.  There was no money to be paid by him.  The trucking company was in hoc up to their ears.  They have no money.  They would declare bankruptcy and we would have access to nothing since their current creditors would reap first reward.  Three years have gone by and still I have no work to speak of.  One daughter is in college and a son is on his way.  All of our life savings will go into paying my bills and college tuition.  And then, of course, my wife has to support me as well.  We will have nothing to retire on.

Our insurance company would have paid my family a lot of money if I had died in the crash. 

With our legal system in play we got nothing.  The state of NJ and Hunterdon County prosecutors in particular spent over a year with a case on their desk which they did nothing with but defer to traffic court (apparently it is not a crime in NJ to run a red light, I know this for a fact because I went in and asked the prosecutor in person) so the company that didn’t carry insurance on its trucks could pay a small fine.  The company owning the truck which ran me over was able to recommenced business immediately; in fact it never stopped business operations at all while I struggled to regain my sense of balance for over a year. 

Today is one of those days (they are few and far between) where I have to wonder if the family would have been better off if there was a different outcome three years ago.

Thoughts on a Movie

Jumping forward for a reflexive perspective

I am jumping forward in time today for several reasons.  One reason is, simply put; In six days it will be three years.  Three years since the truck ran me over and I was airlifted to the trauma center.

Three years is a long time, or a flash in ones eyes as your children grow.  These days I still have some short term memory problems and many times I have to search for words, or replacements, before I can translate my thoughts into speech.  In rehab they gave us different ways to help in this regard many of which centered on ‘making a list’ or ‘writing it down’.   

And so, one of the reasons I am moving forward in time today, besides stating that I have an anniversary coming up, is that I wanted to relay a message while it is still fresh because I was never good at making lists.

Last night my wife, son and I watched the movie ‘Wit’.  The movie was loaned to us by a friend (thank you Caroline).  If you haven’t seen it yet then I warn you, it is sad.  In this movie Emma Thompson isn’t playing Professor Sybill Trelawney (Harry Potter) instead she is Professor Vivian Bearing who is suffering from a stage 4 carcinoma.  The line up for this movie is basically ‘all star’.  It is based on a Pulitzer Prize-winning play by Margaret Edson, and, as mentioned, has Emma Thompson (academy award winning actress) and is directed by academy award winning Mike Nichols.  Not a bad crew and they bring the fine line between life and death home for all to see. 

The take home message of the movie, for me, reminded me very much of my time in the hospital and in rehab.  Without being able to wait for daily visit from my wife, son and daughter, and later when I knew that others were coming, I would have been lost.  No rock, so to speak, to hold on to, nothing that would have lent any sort of sense or reason to my being.  Later while in rehabilitation it was easy to point out those who were not able to move on, to reclaim a semblance of balance in their lives.  It was those who had no family, no one to go home to.  These people had been in and out of therapy as many times as their insurance allowed.  For me, I wanted to go home because when there, I knew, I would be able to sleep in bed with my wife and watch my son and daughter as they moved beyond high school.  I wanted to go home. 

I am better now, to a point, but still unemployed and this brings depression into the mold.  Fortunately I am able to balance that problem because I am so happy to be home and to be alive and to watch my children grow.  Now, if I can ever get more of my first book sold (http://www.comicfictionnoir.com/) or my next three books published, then I could … I have started dreaming again, and to date, these are real dreams.